「世相」の返信一覧
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Notice (8): Undefined variable: i2 [APP/Template/Element/random_data.ctp, line 13]またまた下手な添削Code Context<p class="comment2"><?php $i2++; ?><?=$viewFile = '/home/users/2/weblike.jp-tennsaku/web/haizinn/src/Template/Element/random_data.ctp' $dataForView = [ '_serialize' => [ (int) 0 => 'haikus' ], 'haiku' => object(Cake\ORM\Entity) { '[new]' => true, '[accessible]' => [ [maximum depth reached] ], '[dirty]' => [[maximum depth reached]], '[original]' => [[maximum depth reached]], '[virtual]' => [[maximum depth reached]], '[errors]' => [[maximum depth reached]], '[invalid]' => [[maximum depth reached]], '[repository]' => 'Haikus' }, 'tree' => object(Cake\ORM\Query) { '(help)' => 'This is a Query object, to get the results execute or iterate it.', 'sql' => 'SELECT haikus.id AS "haikus__id", haikus.haiku AS "haikus__haiku", haikus.title AS "haikus__title", haikus.comment AS "haikus__comment", haikus.parent_no AS "haikus__parent_no", haikus.score AS "haikus__score", haikus.created AS 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'俳句クラブ『今日の一句』。俳人友達の交流掲示板', 'meta' => (int) 1, 'advertisements' => true, 'nondisplay' => [], 'h2' => '他の相談一覧' ] $_serialize = [ (int) 0 => 'haikus' ] $haiku = object(Cake\ORM\Entity) { 'haikus' => [ 'id' => '757', 'haiku' => '', 'title' => 'またまた下手な添削', 'score' => '0', 'created' => '2026-05-02 06:22:53', 'comment' => ' 元句 春月や明日を思ひて蕎麦枕 添削 春月や明日思ひをる蕎麦枕 "春月や明日を呟く蕎麦枕 物に託して添削というけれどおかしい 「春月や明日を思ひて蕎麦枕」が最も素直で、調べも整っています。なぜ添削案に「おかしい」と感じるのか、その理由を整理しました。 1. 添削案「明日思ひをる」の違和感散文的すぎる: 「〜をる」という進行形・状態を示す言葉は、説明的になりがちです。調べの重さ: 「思ひをる」とすると言葉の響きが重くなり、「春月」の持つ淡く柔らかな情緒と喧嘩してしまいます。 2. 添削案「明日を呟く」の違和感擬人化のやりすぎ: 枕に「呟かせる（託す）」という意図でしょうが、これでは枕が喋っているような作為（あざとさ）が勝ってしまいます。詩情の欠如: 俳句で「物に託す」というのは、その物の質感や存在を通して心を「暗示」することです。「枕が呟く」と直接的に書いてしまうのは、かえって説明（報告）になってしまいます。 3. 元句の良さ助詞「を」と「て」の自然さ: 「明日を思ひて」という繋ぎは、夜の静寂の中でふと明日へ思いを馳せる作者の動作を、春の月光が静かに照らしているような、付かず離れずの距離感を生んでいます。蕎麦枕の質感: 蕎麦枕の「カサッ」という微かな音や硬さが、春の夜の少し落ち着かない、あるいは期待の混じった「思い」を、語らずとも雄弁に物語っています。これこそが正しい「物に託す」形です。 現在の「明日を思ひて」には、作者の生活実感と季節感が素直に宿っています。添削案の技巧に惑わされず、このままの形を大切にされるのが一番ではないでしょうか。 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投稿者 太郎 回答数 : 1
投稿日時：
元句
春月や明日を思ひて蕎麦枕
添削
春月や明日思ひをる蕎麦枕
"春月や明日を呟く蕎麦枕
物に託して添削とい... 続きを読む >>